Let's Name the Zones

Admit it, you sang along to the title of this post.

But I'm talking about the zones in a different kind of sea.  You know the saying, "There's plenty of fish in the sea." 

I'm talking about that sea.

Honestly, it's become increasingly difficult to understand the differences between the ever so delicate stages that lead to relationships.  Are we just friends?  Are we more than that?  Does he want more than that?  Am I raising false hopes?  The questions never end.

So let's simplify it.

You and your potentially prospective candidate for lifelong marriage could fit into one of three categories: 

The Friendzone, Courtship, and Engagement.

For today we'll focus on the first and foremost.

The Friend Zone: Ah yes, the dreaded space where one knows another individual but only to the point that doesn't pass beyond "just good friends".  Here you can enjoy the company of another, usually in groups, so as to keep things on the surface without diving deep.  Friends at any time may begin to develop an interest in a suitable partner, but it should remain just that.

Not a fun place to be for a hopeless romantic such as myself.

And yet it's such a necessary mindset to have when searching the sea for the right one.  There will be those who claim to be right for you, or those who try to be right for you, but ultimately there will be the one who is best for you.  They will compliment your personality, as you will theirs, which will help you keep your peace of mind through a lifelong relationship.  They will be your best help and aid on the road to Heaven, and will then help your children get to Heaven.  They will meet your needs graciously and you in turn will be eager to meet theirs.  But more on that later.

So why is the friendzone so important?

Firstly, let's call it something else, something less negative.  Let's call it what it is: friendship.  

Next, we'll look at what friendship truly means.

"True friendship is always based on the love of God. ... A sign of true friendship is the mutual support each gives to the other, the confidence each reposes in the other, the kindly correction each feels free to give the other. ... Such a friend adds to our happiness, and helps us in times of difficulties material and spiritual."

~ My Catholic Faith

All of these things are fantastic qualities to find in a person.  But notice how this is a description of friendship, not a "relationship" driven by what most people call love.  Friendship has a special kind of love that models after Christ's love to His apostles, or His friends Mary, Martha, and Lazurus.  A friendship without these characteristics isn't really a true friendship at all.  So if you're hanging out with someone who doesn't quite match this description, you might want to think about how that could be harming your soul.  Back to the main point.

This is the part where even I begin to ask,

"But where's the line between friendship and something more??"

Did he ask you on a date?  No?  Cool.  You're just friends.

:)

Ahhh yes, the sad truth comes out.  What I like to call, "situationships", or friendships that assume couple roles, are the least helpful way to get to know someone: don't rush the process.  The hard fact of the matter is it's ok to be just friends.  It's ok to get to know someone on the surface without diving deep.  And it's ok to support each other in difficulties and trials without investing your heart.  This is what friends are for.

It's not easy.  As you begin to learn more about a person, you begin to see their qualities, both good and bad.  You see the aspects of their personalities that capture your fancy, and oh, don't even get me started on that smile...  So here, when our heads start to spin and our hearts want to fall, we need to use that handy virtue which is Self-Control.  I review this all the time in my classroom with my students, though I should really review it more myself.  I even have a poster card I hang in my classroom that has a very simple and easy definition.

"Self-Control is knowing you can, and deciding you won't."

So in this time of friendship, the real key is knowing you could romantically like someone, but choosing not to.  This becomes so important in regards to the welfare of our hearts and our peace.  There is a time and a place for everything, especially relationships.  Things between friends can become complicated, confusing, and hurtful if emotions are assumed and turn out to be wrong.  If you enjoy someone's friendly company, focus on that.  Think of the ways they are a good friend to you and the ways you can be a better friend to them.  Don't let a supportive friendship carry you away: it's rightly ordered to help a friend in a time of need.  On the other hand, don't take it too far and delve into your personal life story.  That can wait for the one who potentially will help you write the rest of it.

But how do you know you want to spend your life with someone?

That's not in this zone.  Focus on you.  Focus on your faith, your family.  Focus on your studies, your work in front of you.

The rest will come in the next zone, Courtship. ;)

For now, I'll leave you with these verses:

"When you gain a friend, gain him through testing, and do not trust him hastily. ... A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he that has found one has found a treasure.  There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend, and no scales can measure his excellence."

~ Sirach 6:7,14-15

Ok, back to the song.

 Ooooooh let's name the zones.....